Drop-Kick Me To Jesus!

Hi!

It has been a very long time since writing in here. I actually paid money to have an ad-free way of sharing the blessing of the written word with all of you, and I’m frustrated with myself for waiting so long to post.

To be honest, I’ve hesitated, because many of my previous posts were about the struggles and effects of separation and eventual divorce. I’ve come to a place of healing, and am moving on, but don’t necessarily want to post about that.  I also wasn’t quite sure if the Lord wanted me to continue writing in here, or actually self-publish a whole book of poems elsewhere.

In the meantime, I’ve written a bit here and there, reading my poems at Simonka or simply tucking them away in my files for future use.

Then the COVID-19 pandemic hit.

Along with the rest of the world, I was slowly caught up in the news that a new and deadly virus was on the loose. Though not particularly fearful, I took appropriate precautions and then followed the governing authority’s orders to stay home.

Without an actual daily commute, and only having to traipse to the fridge for lunch, you’d think that it would be easy to enjoy a daily quiet time with the Lord. Not so. My stress level jumped up, from adjusting my work duties home, and not getting in the outdoors as often. This effected my digestive system, and my energy level suffered. It’s a vicious cycle.

Fast-forward a few weeks. I’m settling in a bit, but still melancholy. This afternoon my dear friends and co-ministers at Simonka called on video chat. Tonight we would normally be converging at the shelter: I would be sharing a poem, and Tom would give a message. They shared what the verse of the night would be: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs 3:56, NIV) They challenged me to get outside more and to write something to go with his video message two hours later.
This is what I wrote:

“Drop-Kicked”

I’ve been sharing pretty pictures and memes
and many an inspiring Bible verse
in an effort to encourage with each post,
but the world just seems to get worse.
Yet my hope remains in You, Lord,
and though I’ve continued to convey it,
actually, lately I’ve been quite lax —
not often taking the time to pray it.
Spirit, drop-kick me to Jesus!
To again worship at His feet!
Don’t let me forget Your perfect love
or miss out on Your presence so sweet.
For too long I had been reduced
to merely surviving each uncertain day,
but you haven’t changed! So drop-kick my all
in front of Jesus once more, I pray.
For You need no empty sacrifice or mere words,
no online posts, though kind and true —
You just want ME — my deepest desires
surrendered, looking fully to You.
So pick me up, dust me off, Lord,
I humbly seek Your wisdom, Your face;
Drop-kicking my own understanding,
I lean into Your guidance and grace.

Ladeena Ashley
4-26-2020

I’m glad the Lord used my friends to spiritually drop-kick me, but most of all, that God never changes, and we can count on Him even in these strange times. I hope and pray that you know this truth for yourself. No matter my feelings or thoughts about what’s happening, I always have hope I’ve found through Christ. It’s the key to my sanity, strength, attitude… everything.

Thanks for reading. We’ll see what happens next!

Blessings to you!
Ladeena

©Ladeena Ashley – All rights reserved – content and photos

Created For True Faith

Photo: “Shedding some light on the subject…”

Today I have two different themes to share. Each which do not immediately seem to be related, but do actually dovetail into one another.

Last night I watched a movie that was advertised by a TV station as uplifting and family-friendly. In some small measure that was true, as portions of the movie were inspiring, but in a hollow way. The overall effect was anything but honoring to God.

The plot centered around a non-believer (a self-proclaimed atheist) who was endowed by God with the gift of healing, a gift that followed down his family line. That I could swallow, but in Harry Potter-like fashion, it took a mystical turn when he was shown a secret basement and told that he had to accept the gift by midnight on his 30th birthday. Even after inadvertently healing some folks in the small town, he selfishly and angrily chooses to reject the gift. So the gift disappears. Later he meets a terminally ill girl, and changes his tune about wanting the gift, but by then it’s too late.

At this point I’m thinking he should fall on his knees before God, admit he is heartbroken but powerless, and humbly ask that he be given a second chance. (Even a secular TV station could afford to show some humility, but somehow I suspected that wasn’t going to happen.) Yet my already low expectations were shattered by what he did instead: He stalked into the empty sanctuary of the local church and railed at God, calling Him out for letting people have diseases and dying. He then asked if his dead brother could hear him, and asked him to “punch this idiot” (meaning God) for him! Then he arrogantly walked out. Wow. Beyond that, the truly appalling thing is that in this movie, this approach actually worked! Not long after, he apparently regains the gift and all was well.

This so-called uplifting, positive movie left a bad taste in my mouth, for two reasons: First of all, throughout the movie, the main character has an inflated sense of anger and pride, and barely shows love, let alone Christ-like love, to others. Secondly, this movie presents an overall picture of God as being mystical (in a dark way), vindictive and fickle. Unfortunately, this is the way culture is steering people.

Our sermon this morning was about counterfeit Christianity: folks who believe God exists and even know a bit about Him, but either do not have a personal relationship with Him or don’t know Him very well. The character in the movie at first denied God’s existence, then only reluctantly accepted it, only insofar as it got him what he wanted. He not only fought a pseudo god, but thumbed his nose at him and then was actually rewarded for his insolence! He did not surrender his life or heart to God, nor show an ounce of humility. In my opinion, the healing powers as shown in that movie were of the devil! The God I know is holy, righteous and loving. While He does work through imperfect people to accomplish His will, He will not be mocked (Galatians 6:7) as was played out on screen. (I half-expected a bolt of lightning to strike the man down! Apparently the writers chose to focus on God’s mercy instead of justice.)

Remember Job? He was a righteous man, but even when he complained and began to question why God allowed all he cared about to be taken away, the Lord basically says ‘who do you think you are? Where were you when I created the earth?’ (Job 38:2-4)

Which brings me to the second theme: the message tonight at Simonka was “Why did God create us?” In part, He created us to do good works, which He prepared in advance for us to do (Ephesians 2:10). Most of us aren’t given a “gift of healing”, but as Christ followers, we are each given unique gifts that ultimately work together to spread the Good News and further His kingdom on earth. Serving others with humble yet joyful hearts, knowing that the power to do these things comes from Him and not within ourselves.

Faith isn’t about getting our own way, being comfortable, treating God like a vending machine and His Word as quaint anecdotes we can cherry-pick to suit our preferences and twist to support our selfish intentions (or story lines). I myself struggle with the desire to be comfortable, and although I serve others in many ways, I confess that my focus is too often distracted by my own wants in my own little world, and not enough on Him. Every day I must recommit my selfish ways to His perfect will, because that’s how and why He created me.

We are here for God’s good pleasure, made for fellowship with Him and with each other. We were created ON PURPOSE, and FOR purposes we can only discover by humbling ourselves in full surrender to our loving Creator.

Here’s a new poem I wrote and shared tonight about why God created us:

“Created to Love”

God, You created me to love You,
to fellowship with You and others.
Made for good works You’ve planned
alongside many sisters and brothers.
Knitted together so carefully
for a precious life here on earth.
God, You knew me in the womb
before my mother gave birth!
I was put here on purpose,
for a purpose of grand design.
Daily Your perfect will works out
as I humbly surrender mine.
Existing for Your good pleasure;
Serving You gives me joy and peace.
Here to offer my gifts and prayers
so that Your kingdom may increase.
With the power to move mountains,
living and breathing as You speak,
May I always remember who I am
is because of Who it is that I seek.
For in You I am a masterpiece
regardless of what I feel or see;
Lord, I thank You that in Your wisdom,
You thought the world needed one of me!

8-18-19
©Ladeena Ashley

We were made in God’s image, for His glory and pleasure. Created with a huge capacity to love Him and serve others. Who would want to follow the “god” that popular culture portrays? Unfortunately, many are taken in by one version or another of an appearance of faith. The enemy is truly masquerading as an angel of light in so-called “uplifting” media, portraying very skewed images of God and how He views and interacts with us. It’s no wonder many leaders in the church are stepping down and renouncing their faith. They’ve been fed candy-coated Christianity (not just in movies and media, but by other well-meaning folks, as well) and developed a hollow faith that stumbles over the most basic tenets of Christian faith and collapses in the face of even small hardships.

The message I’m hearing from the Lord today is:
Diligently seek His face through prayer and studying His Word!
(Psalm 105:4, 2 Timothy 2:15)
Hold tightly to the truth! (Philippians 2:14-16)

Pray that God’s truth and will would prevail in your own heart and life, and in the media!

{By the way, if you’re curious, the movie is entitled “The Healer”, and aired on UP TV.}

Blessings to you, this day and always!

©Ladeena Ashley
All rights reserved (blog content and photos)

A Rough Work in Progress

I’m so thankful that the Lord is patient with me! The past few months there have been good reasons not to write here in my blog, but not REALLY good reasons. My digestive issues flared up again, along with my depression and occasional anxiety. Thankfully I’m much better now, with a steady vitamin regiment, taking lots of strolls in the sunshine, and getting appropriate rest. The spring blooms are once again popping here in the beautiful Pacific Northwest. It’s such a blessing to live here.

I’m also continually grateful for my family and friends, who have encouraged, supported and challenged me, especially over the past four years. I’m especially thankful for a dear couple from my church who walked with me in the frustrating years leading up to what finally ended in my divorce. At their invitation and in God’s perfect timing, I began and continue to serve alongside them at Simonka women and children’s shelter, helping to lead chapel time three times a month. Ministering to others and sharing my story has strengthened my faith, increased my confidence, and has been a healing balm to my heart.

Last Sunday, the message theme for chapel was about how God uses circumstances to smooth out our rough edges, much like river rocks are smoothed by the rushing water and the silt and sediment in it. Reflecting on how the Lord has worked in me to smooth out some of my edges, I wrote and shared this new poem:

“Go With His Flow”

Thinking back over these past few years,
I’m filled with awesome wonder to see
how the Lord worked during pain and tears
to refine and slowly reshape me.
Like a rock in a river or stream,
the current of life swiftly flows;
Below the water’s surface gleam,
there’s a spiritual undertow.
Troubles, like sediment and sand,
scraped along this jagged stone,
teaching me to trust and understand
who I am and that I’m not alone.
Through our struggles, God can soften
the edges of self-doubt and fear;
He’s who I must cling to most often
whether the water’s silty or clear.
For I have the choice every day:
Either bitterly complain and frown,
or trust God, asking how His way
will smooth my rough edges down.
In rushing rapids or gentle flow,
when I surrender to His correction,
worn but not weary, I joyfully grow.
I’d be up a creek without His direction!
Through troubled water, God wears away
those things that only cause more sorrow,
giving me strength and hope that I may
go with His flow better tomorrow!

4-28-19
©Ladeena Ashley

Last week marked a year since the divorce papers were signed. I still catch myself marveling that I’m on my own. Only I’m not. Jesus has faithfully walked beside me every step of the way. Jesus ROCKS! The more I stay focused on Him, the Spirit lifts me up, giving me a thousand reasons to smile. It gets a bit easier every day.

I’m trusting that He will continue smoothing out my rough edges so that I will more easily follow His leading, and be the loving, faithful disciple He calls me to be. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!

We’re all rough works in progress. As it’s been said, Jesus loves you the way you are, but He loves you too much to leave you there. As I pray for myself, I pray for you: that you will surrender to God’s flow and let Him work in you. Don’t be up a creek without Jesus!

Blessings to you, this day and always!

©Ladeena Ashley
All rights reserved (blog content and photos)

Why A Baby?

So it’s not your imagination. I really haven’t posted since July! I felt it was time to step back for a bit and wait for the Lord to nudge me toward my laptop, in His perfect timing. A holy nudge came this evening, so here I am!

I’ve been working on healing and adjusting back to single life, but also dealing with some health issues, which thankfully have finally improved for the most part. Recently my health had even kept me away from church and from volunteering at Simonka House a couple times, but I was able to return to both, and even shared a new poem at the women’s shelter on Sunday night.

The message title was to be, “Why A Baby?”, which I ruminated on for a couple of days. Though I grew up in the church and don’t ask questions like that, on Saturday I tried to put myself in the shoes of a new believer or unbeliever for a bit, and the Lord inspired me to write this new poem:

“Why A Baby?”

Father God, why a baby?
Jesus could have come in power:
Born of a royal family,
ruling from a golden tower.
Father God, why a baby?
He could’ve shown Who is boss!
Instead, born and placed in a manger
of wood, like His destined cross.
Father God, You sent a baby.
Power and glory filled the skies;
Heaven came down to meet us,
Shepherds couldn’t believe their eyes!
Father God, that tiny baby
became Savior for all on earth;
Through Your plan of sacrifice
begun from one lowly birth.
Promised child asleep in a stable –
You used the foolish to shame the wise;
From small beginnings come miracles,
Your power and love have no disguise.
Father, thank You for that baby
Who became my Savior and King!
I share the joy of Your priceless gift
that made the herald angels sing.

12-22-18
By Ladeena Ashley

On my way to Simonka on Sunday night, I thought about the amazing amount of trust that my friends in ministry have placed in me to share my poems and thoughts, especially as I’m only given the message theme a few days prior. They actually have no idea what I will share until I voice it from the podium in the small chapel room! I’m also continually amazed at the trust the Lord puts in me to be a bearer of His love and hope to those souls who desperately need it. At times I feel like Mary, in the sense that I’m an ordinary woman who God can use in small and sometimes profound ways to spread the Word and further His kingdom.

Yet God specializes in using the ordinary to show His extraordinary love, grace and mercy. All we need to do is keep Him first in our lives and to keep ourselves available, and He works His perfect plan through these imperfect vessels. Glory be to God!

God sacrificed His Son for us, sending Him to earth in the form of a baby who eventually gave His life so that we could have eternal life in heaven. Let us daily offer ourselves as living sacrifices (Romans 12:1), giving our time, talent and treasures so that others may also accept the Greatest Gift they can receive. Not just at Christmas, but any time throughout the year!

I’m not sure when I will post next. Less poems have flowed into my notebooks lately, but there is definitely fodder for future posts, as the Lord leads.

Merry Christmas!

Until next time, blessings to you, this day and always!

©Ladeena Ashley
All Rights Reserved (Blog content and photo)

Glass Half Full?

Since the dust has settled from the divorce and changing my name, I’ve been taking a breather, praying and working through this odd season of life that has me examining my life and reevaluating what it is that I want in it. I was on my own while separated for two and a half years, but everything changed once the papers were signed. Now it truly feels like I’m starting over and moving on. Unfortunately, my feelings morphed from simply considering what sort of hobbies and “stuff” I really feel is worthwhile in my life – reorganizing and consolidating – to looking at my whole life, wondering what the heck I’m doing with it! Overwhelmed, I kind of folded up into myself, a lot like the rose in my photo, even taking a step back from writing, as well, to just “be” for a while.

God Sighting
Yesterday I made a quick stop for groceries and got back in my car only to find that it wouldn’t start. Each time I tried, the engine turned over but apparently it lacked either spark or fuel to fire up and take me anywhere.

My first thought, as a generally glass half full person, was how glad I was that perishable items were not among my purchases in the store.

Over the next 20 minutes or so I contacted a few friends, and thankfully one couple who live nearby came to my rescue. When they arrived, the husband asked me to go ahead and try starting it again, so he could hear how it sounded, and wouldn’t you know it, my car started right up!

After turning off the engine and restarting it again, my car seemed okay. The husband had an errand to run, but his wife and I ended up going out for lunch and had a great visit. Turns out that they were preparing to travel soon , so if I had called even a day later, I likely would not have caught them at all. It was perfect timing.

God knew I needed to reach outside of myself and talk with someone, so He used car troubles to prompt me to do just that! He truly does work in mysterious ways.

New Poem
Tonight I joined my friends to lead chapel time at the Simonka Place women’s shelter. The theme this evening was “Glass Half Full or Half Empty?” This afternoon, after a bit of prayer and once again surrendering my self-doubt to the Lord, He inspired me with a new poem to share:

“The Glass”

At times when the glass of life
feels half empty instead of half full;
At my wit’s end, amidst the strife,
yet good out of evil You pull.
Greater than all I could ask or think,
larger than my hopes and dreams;
Though some days are harder to drink,
still You’re working behind the scenes.
So I will keep looking to You,
my sparkling hope in this transition;
Smiling, knowing You’re not through,
for even now, You give inspiration!
Yes, thank You, Lord, that I have a glass
and that there’s something inside;
Yet beyond that, this moment can’t pass
without praising You, for You abide
in the future, the past and right now.
You hold my heart, Your love will prevail.
I trust that some way, somehow
Your perfect plan will never fail.
So I pour out my glass to You:
in surrender, I’m refilled each day,
peace and joy brimming anew
as by Your grace I get out of the way.
Daily closer to You I’m growing,
lacking nothing I need, in Your care;
Instead, filled to overflowing,
I forget the glass as Your love I share!

6-17-2018
©Ladeena Ashley

My life is different now than I ever thought it might be, but my attitude has remained focused on the bright side, seeing the glass as half full. Many times though, I’ve just been glad I have a glass and that there’s something in it. Contentment is great, yet as I wrote in the poem, we should take it a step further. Instead of focusing on the glass and how we view its contents, we should pour it all out to the Lord, so He can fill us to overflowing with His love, power, grace, strength, joy and peace. When we’re filled with Him and flowing out to those around us, we’ll forget that there’s even a glass!

I believe that is what Jesus meant when He said, “Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.” (Matthew 10:39) It’s not about us, our limitations or our circumstances, and it’s not about what we have or don’t have. We follow and serve the God of the universe! Through Christ we have been given access to greater things than all we can imagine!

The enemy will tell you that you aren’t good enough or smart enough. Resist him and he must flee (James 4:7). Instead, pour out your glass to the Lord so He can fill it with Himself, transforming and equipping you to perfectly fulfill His purposes. Through Christ you are more than enough!

“Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.” Ephesians 3:20-21

Blessings to you, this day and always!

©Ladeena Ashley
All Rights Reserved (Blog Content and Photos)

Masterpiece

We had another awesome time at Simonka this evening. The theme was “Celebrating You”, about what God thinks of the women at the shelter, through Jesus (hint: good things!).

Once again, the subject was perfect timing, as I needed to refocus and take a breather for myself after the divorce, changing my name everywhere (I hadn’t realized just how many places and accounts it would affect!), and the emotional impact of all that’s happened this past month.

None of my existing poems quite fit the theme, however, I was feeling tired and not at all sure about writing an uplifting poem when I myself felt so depleted. So I prayed and left it up to God to speak through me or not.

Before attempting to write, I first had to remind myself who I am in God’s eyes and then hopefully pour out my thanks to Him on paper. Reviewing an organized list of Bible verses that my counselor friends gave me a long time ago that’s simply entitled “Who You Are In Christ”, I chose a few that jumped out at me, and as usual, references to a few other scriptures also found their way into my writing. Not surprisingly, by the time the last line was typed, I was feeling more centered and re-energized! Here’s the poem:

“Masterpiece”

Even when I feel depleted,
God, I find myself in You.
In all, Your will is completed,
Your strength always pulls me through.
For I am Your child, joint heir,
loved daughter, saint, Your friend.
Joyfully, my all to You I bare,
though You know me beginning to end.
In my every coming and going
You anticipate each thought!
Grand mystery, how, all-knowing,
You bring good and rework the plot.
Masterpiece in the making,
unfinished and carried by love
to shine so there’s no mistaking
that my worth comes from above.
For all that I am and will be
is from You and for Your glory;
In You I’m forgiven and free,
so I’ll keep sharing my story.
For You call me Your own,
by Your sufficient grace I stand.
You empower this flesh and bone
to carry out what You’ve planned.
May I always see myself as You do:
A warrior clothed in victory.
Walking boldly ahead as You
celebrate and sing over me.

5-27-18
© Ladeena Ashley

After I shared my poem at Simonka, my friend began his message by commenting that my poem really set him up well. He was right! I chuckled to myself several times as he cited most of the same verses and points. I hadn’t seen his notes, but the Lord had, and lined things up nicely!

Here are some of the highlights:

We are joint heirs with Christ – by grace we are made righteous and will have eternal life in heaven! Romans 5:17

We are children of God – we are loved, guided, and disciplined. John 1:12

We are called to shine like stars in the sky – we’re empowered to share the joy of salvation. Philippians 5:15

We are God’s friend – we can talk to Him about anything. His Spirit works with us and gives us wisdom. John 15:15

We are His workmanship – God created you on purpose! Ephesians 2:10

We are clothed in victory – we have victory over sin and death! 1 Corinthians 15:57

God delights in us and sings over us – God thinks we’re pretty great! Zephaniah 3:17

It’s important to know our standing with God, through faith in Christ. It’s entirely different than how the world sees us, but ultimately, God’s opinion is the only one that matters. God loves us so much that He actually rejoices and sings over us! It is vital to keep that in mind during difficult seasons, to keep hope and joy alive. On the flip side, however, when things are going well, we must also remember from Whom those blessings come!

I hope this helps you remember how God sees you through Christ, and that you’re living like you believe it!

Blessings to you, this day and always!

©Ladeena Ashley
All Rights Reserved (Blog content and photos)

The Greatest Designer

 

The message theme at Simonka last night was “Allowing God to Run Your Life”. I looked in my poems for a piece that would fit, and ended up doing what seems to have become the norm for me: writing a new one instead. Once again I finished it a mere half hour before sharing it with the ladies at the shelter! It is about how the Lord renovates our life, if we let Him…

“The Greatest Designer”

God won’t barge into your heart, He gently knocks,
then waits for us to answer the door of our soul,
look through the peephole and unlatch the locks,
to invite Him inside, and grant Him control.
I can tell how God works in myself and others:
Turning each shack into a cozy home,
working closely with sisters and brothers
who no longer call their lives their own.
We joyfully share about each renovation:
He brings hope to every room and closet:
Exposing our flaws with truth’s illumination,
sins He already knew, but still paid the deposit!
God redecorates lives in the brightest hues,
knowing best how our heart, Christ’s home
can function fully, as daily we choose
to let it truly become His throne.
So that’s the choice you have this day:
To back away from the threshold in pride,
or open your heart’s door and humbly pray
for the greatest Designer to step inside.
You won’t regret it, though change is pain,
great peace and love fills each space,
as He restores every tile and window pane
we’ll change the neighborhood by His grace!

5-20-18
©Ladeena Ashley

While writing that poem, in my mind was playing an older Christian song by Shaun Groves entitled “Welcome Home”. In it, he sings about opening up the door of his heart so that God, by His Spirit, can help him make changes in his life. Our bodies are but the outside packaging, but our heart and souls are where we “live” and where, from the abundance within, the mouth speaks (Matthew 12:34). We must guard our hearts (Proverbs 4:23). If we don’t have our inner lives in order, everything outside will be thrown into chaos.

Over the last few weeks since the divorce, I’ve been praying about how to move on, and what is really important enough for me to have in my life. In complete surrender to the Lord, I’ve asked for wisdom, and am trusting that He will help me make healthy changes so that how I spend my time and resources will be more honoring to Him.

When invited, the Lord helps to organize and protect the good, while giving us strength to toss things that aren’t necessary. The hard part is, He needs full access to every nook and cranny, every dark and dusty corner, in order for us to have the full measure of joy that He promises as we submit to Him (John 15:1-11). It’s not easy, but we must allow God to show us where and how to make changes, even painful ones, in order to follow Him more closely.

Of course, daily prayer and time in the Word is essential to keeping ourselves open to the Lord and His perfect designs for our life. I often pray this verse: “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Psalm 139:23-24

My prayer for you as well as for myself, is that we keep the doors, windows and closets of our hearts open to the moving of the Spirit and the light of the Son, so He can transform us inside and out!

The greatest Designer, the God who created the universe, loves you so much! You can trust in His design for your life, because He is good and what He has planned is infinitely more fulfilling than anything you can ever ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20-21, 1 Corinthians 2:9). I know from experience that the more I fellowship with Him, allowing Him to “have the run of the place” in my life, the stronger, more hopeful, joyful and more at peace I am.

Is your heart’s door open?

“Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me.” Revelation 3:20 (NKJV)

Blessings to you, this day and always!

©Ladeena Ashley
All Rights Reserved (Blog content and photos)

Peace in the Pain

I’ve written about waiting, of showing God’s love and caring for others by His grace. For over two and a half years, with heart fully committed to the Lord’s leading, I’ve done all I could to work toward reconciliation with my husband: from tough love, setting healthy boundaries, to counseling, offering help when appropriate, along with encouraging and of course, praying. Friends have said that I’ve been faithful and shown more patience and grace than anyone else they’ve met.

Late in March, however, despite my best efforts and prayer, the frustration and pain were so great that I began to realize that this could not be how the Lord intended us to live. Things just couldn’t keep going the way they were, and I sensed from the Lord that the time for waiting was coming to an end.

Sharing my struggles with a close friend, she suggested putting out a “fleece”, similar to what Gideon did (Judges 6:33-40), to confirm what seemed like the right choice. I decided to try it, and the Lord answered.

First I found a shiny penny while on my way home from church. Not knowing the year on it, once at home I prayed, “If it is from this year, then I’ll know it’s okay to divorce [him].” Since it was still only March, it seemed highly unlikely that it would be a 2018 coin, yet it was.

The second answer was after a heavy-duty time of prayer one evening several days later. I left everything on the altar, finally just asking for reassurance that divorce was okay in this case. As I walked into the next room after praying, I heard His still, small voice tell me, “It’s okay. I love you.” Those phrases repeated 3 times.

The third answer was even more profound: I awoke the next morning with an intense headache, mentally wringing my hands over the increasingly awkward and complicated situation with my husband. I desperately wanted to write in my blog, but felt emotionally and physically useless. My heart was broken and without reservation I simply thought this prayer: “If it’s okay to divorce [him], please just take away this headache, and I’ll sit right down and write the blog.” No sooner had I thought those words when my headache evaporated! The unopened bottle of ibuprofen, now unnecessary, still sat on the table. So, true to my word, I promptly grabbed my laptop and posted the April 7^th blog entry.

Honestly, divorce was never an option in the past. Many times during arguments the subject would arise, but I immediately dismissed it. Even once I was ready to consider it, the Lord had to tell me three times that it was okay for me to walk away. The decision was not taken lightly, and only came after countless hours of tearful prayer. I’ve gone through several boxes of tissues!

I know God hates divorce, but He allows it because we are imperfect people who live in a fallen world. Yes, we’d made a commitment before God and with each other, but eventually we had to face the fact that it was not ultimately healthy nor honoring to God to remain married. For one thing, as I’ve mentioned in the past, the dysfunctional nature of the relationship and the ongoing stress it caused definitely took its toll on my body – my digestion and anxiety levels in particular have been out of whack for a long time.

What this all came down to is that my relationship with God is important and should be protected above all else. Jesus said “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters – yes, even their own life – such a person cannot be my disciple.” Luke 14:26. Not that I should actually hate them, but instead I must love the Lord more. My love for God takes precedence over any human loyalties. We are called to love Him with ALL of our heart, soul and mind (Matthew 22:37). To do that, in this case I needed to walk away.

The divorce was final the day before I wrote my last post. I feel sad and relieved. It was the most difficult decision of my life, but under the pain, there is peace. Here is a poem I wrote about it:

“Peace in the Pain”

There is peace in the pain, calm even in my sorrows;
A rainbow in the rain, hope for our tomorrows.
A new chapter of life because another ends:
I’m no longer a wife, we’re now simply friends.
A decision so daunting, but the Lord walked me through.
So focused, only wanting His will in all I do.
There’s a time to mourn for the good that’s gone,
but joy will be reborn as with courage, we move on.
Missing a piece of my heart, yet my soul is in God’s hand;
I’m making a new start, stepping toward what He’s planned.
Into a future unknown, taking one day at a time;
By grace I don’t walk alone, even as I compose this rhyme!
What was meant for harm, the Lord turns all around,
As I resist the devil’s charm, I’m set on solid ground.
God makes beauty from ashes, bringing comfort in distress;
Rebuilding what Satan trashes, making a message of my mess.
God is working for my best, even through this painful story,
Overall, I’m still so blessed, and all to the Father’s glory!

5-6-18
©Ladeena Ashley

If you’re still reading this, thank you for caring and sticking with me. The negative stigma of divorce, especially in Christian circles, has lessened but there still is an element of judgment. I can’t help that. The Lord knows all about the situation, and by His grace I’ve done my best to walk in His love and according to His wisdom. Now I’m taking the next step into a new chapter of life. God will keep working on us, just not together, and it is healthier for both of us this way.

Blessings to you, this day and always!

Side Note: As you likely noticed, my last name is changed. I went back to my maiden name, which ironically has a better “ring” to it than “Bell”, I think.

©Ladeena Ashley
All Rights Reserved (Blog content and photos)

Undercurrent of Grace

 

The Lord continually amazes me. Lately my life has been marked with deep pain and frustration – which I’ll share more about in a future post – yet God never fails to give me strength and grace to endure. God is good even when life feels terrible!

The message theme for this past Sunday evening at Simonka Place was frustration. The Lord has impeccable timing! I love how He gently teaches me so that, sometimes sooner than later, I will write down and pass along what I’ve learned. Sharing my experiences and encouraging others makes the trying times a little less so. Yet again, the Lord inspired me with another faith-affirming new poem to share:

“Undercurrent of Grace”

When frustration and pain weigh me down,
riles me up or causes me to frown,
I turn to You, Jesus, You lift me up,
You lighten my heart and refill my cup.
Caught in the swift undertow of my fear,
I just call out Your name and You draw near.
In short-sighted times when things fall apart,
I trust that You forever hold my heart.
Through every hardship, as I humbly seek Your face,
You carry me with an undercurrent of grace.
In the darkest moments when many fail,
You call me Your champion, and help me prevail.
Swept into new depths of hope and love,
eyes off of myself and reset up above.
Strengthened to faithfully follow Your lead,
for it’s all You ask; You’re all that I need.
Sure of what I hope for, my confidence in You;
Turning all things for good is what You do!
Lord, Your perfect love rewrites my story
so it shines the light of hope, for Your glory.
I trust You, Jesus, I lean into Your embrace,
content to be carried by Your transforming grace.

4-22-18
©Ladeena Ashley

Sources of Inspiration

Earlier on Sunday, during the morning sermon, the idea that most resonated with me was that God calls me His champion. That when troubles come into our lives, He has confidence that we can fight the good fight of the faith (1 Timothy 6:12) and overcome by His power. As the phrase goes, if He brings you to it, He’ll bring you through it! He believes in us more than we believe in ourselves. As His beloved children, when we remain committed to His ways, we are carried by a grace that transforms our fear into faith and turns us from worriers into warriors!

Sunday school class also dovetailed neatly into this concept of overcoming. The only way to not only survive but thrive during hardships is to keep our eyes focused on Him instead of all that’s wrong in this world. That in particular, we could all watch a little less news and media in general, which seems increasingly negative and sensationalized, and spend more time reflecting on whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent or praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8-9). Not that we poke our heads in the sand, but that we adjust our internal lens to view life from a godly perspective, instead of being emotionally tossed to and fro by every shocking headline or story. “You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come.” (Matthew 24:6) Instead of getting yanked into the undertow of fear, live your life in gentle surrender to the undercurrent of grace.

Some moments are more frustrating than others, but all the Lord asks is that we do our best to faithfully follow His lead. He will do the rest. Hold onto His promises, trust in His plan for you, then get in there and fight like the champion you are!

Blessings to you, this day and always!

©Ladeena Ashley
2018 All Rights Reserved (Blog content and photos)

Delightful Details

Perfectly fallen leaf in the sidewalk… I found it that way, honestly!

 

A good friend of mine tagged me on a Facebook post for a photo-a-day challenge, with a different theme or concept to capture and share each day. The post was by Operation TheraPic, an organization that promotes photography as therapy for veterans who suffer from post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and other negative effects of their military service.

Photography is certainly therapeutic for me, and I’m all for supporting our armed forces, so enthusiastically I accepted the challenge. After all, I already notice things that most other folks walk right past, naturally living life every moment as a scavenger hunt for blessings of all kinds, in both abstract and visual realms. The beauty of God’s creation especially draws my attention, but I also enjoy contrasting the natural with man-made structures and items. Overall, to me the world is a wonderland of colors, shapes and patterns, every perfectly or uniquely placed bug, flower, leaf, shadow or reflection is like a little love note from the Lord.

Here is a poem I wrote while reveling in nature, and how it points to heaven, our true home:

“Pause”

All manner of shapes
combine in harmony
Heralding with flicker of leaves
and sun-dappled symphony
The splendor of what’s to come
once our souls dispense of earth,
Holy communion with the Creator
and consummation of our rebirth.

All manner of sounds
– Nature whispers God’s love
Rustling leaves like ocean waves
point to the Father above.

Gentle avian choruses
bursting into exuberant throngs
foreshadow the glorious melodies
of worshipful heavenly songs.

All manner of evidence
of God’s providence and grace,
given freely, with ample to share
when we pause and seek His face.

7-1-07
©Ladeena Ashley

It feels good to discover and document life’s beautiful details in pictures, but lately I’ve collected more images than I have composed my thoughts in words. As often happens when out shopping, while looking for one thing to grab, there are dozens of other things that catch my attention. I’ve already taken more pictures than usual this month!

Details are a blessing, but I also can get caught up in amazement while totally missing the bigger scene. It’s like a colorful connect-the-dots but I don’t see the whole page. Instead I notice a few tiny circles in groups like polka dots, while others are tie-dyed or form interesting patterns. I get lost in child-like wonder. On the flip side, when I am anxious, I often miss what is most important while fretting over the minutia of life. In either case I must step back, review the situation from the beginning and connect those dots in order to see the bigger picture. I’m getting better at being objective.

Dogged by details?
They say the devil’s in the details – life is definitely more challenging than we all thought it’d be when we were kids – but we can navigate them with God’s help! He created every last molecule of existence, His handiwork shows His love, He delights in sharing it with us (Psalm 19), plus He sees the beginning and the end of it all (Revelation 22:16). None of our problems are too small that God is not concerned, nor too big for Him to handle.

When we’re overwhelmed and dragged down by worries, we must stop and pray, casting those cares on the Lord (Psalm 55:22). At times we simply need to step back and and take a deep breath every once in a while to notice the blessings around us, so we can once again regain that sense of wonder, purpose and joy. When we connect the dots and see the big picture of grace, then we can more joyfully move ahead into whatever adventure the Lord has for us next!

For me, the best kind of details are in God’s Word, worship, fellowship with other believers, and enjoying His creation. As I delight myself in the Lord and look to Him, He gives countless blessings along the way that keep me smiling (Psalm 37:4)!

Hopefully the photos I share for the challenge are a blessing for others. I always look for life’s little blessings and then look for ways to share that encouragement and hope with others! I hope and pray the same for you.

Blessings to you, this day and always!

©Ladeena Ashley
2018 All Rights Reserved (Blog content and photos)